Time: One of the "Bestest" Gifts

So I walked slowly thru the exhibitions, making sure that all my senses feasted slowly on all the color and beauty smothering every stop. With the exception of the heat, -which I really shouldn’t complain about as it made the colors brighter and the atmosphere more festive- It was an absolutely beautiful day.  I really enjoy arts and crafts festivals.  They’re actually one of my favorite events. I truly like seeing how emotions and ideas are introduced into the physical realm through such clever and lovely ways. It actually makes me think about the wonderful gift of creativity  we have received from our Creator. Isn’t it awesome? He always gives us wonderful gifts!  And on that day, while walking through a jungle of tangible dreams and memories He gave me a present –Actually a mother’s day present. One that was more precious than any other item I could’ve gotten from the festival. Let me share it with you.

                                  

What a wonderful wood-craftsmanship!..the whole piece was carved out of  a single trunk..beautiful!

As I walked through the festival, I actually saw a few pieces of art  here and there that reminded me of how much I wanted to not really buy something like that, but actually do it myself. If you ever visited my home before I married, you  noticed that there were actually very few pieces of art hanging on the walls. There were just three charcoal sketches that I made over 15 years ago hanging on the living room and one more cross stitched design hanging at the entry way. The reason for the wall baldness?  My desire to be the one who painted or crafted the pieces versus the issue of time scarcity compounded by my cuasi obsession with over-commitment. In simpler words,  my self-created lack of time. 

Since I came to the US over 10 years ago, my schedule and calendar have always looked like the Timesquare intersection in New York, with more activities and to do items than what you can imagine.  This picture actually reminds me of a good lesson I learned recently regarding “White Space”, which has become a staple at home and one my husband’s favorite cravings.   According to the teacher, successful companies like Google and Apple, apply this concept to their marketing strategies, believing that people are attracted to simple, clean ads full of “white space” instead of the “car dealership” type of ads full of information.  That is so true. Have you noticed?  People normally just pass over that kind of input overload to avoid the waste of energy to process all the unnecessary information. Instead, for example, we are drawn to sleek and clean ads.  They just make you feel relaxed instead of prompting anxiety, or to others it’s just cool, right?  The application of this concept he said, is that people need “White Space” in their schedules to be devoted to be spontaneous, more aware and rested. I think that was such a great idea.  But don’t ask me about the implementation at that time.  It really didn't down on me until walking through the festival.

              See mommy, Daddy always takes his TIME to play silly games with me....he, he..

I know I am not the only one that suffers of self-created lack of time. This is such a universal and human issue. It seems like almost everybody suffers of this ailment. But on that day while walking through the exhibitions I was confronted with the fact that it is imperative that I not only acknowledge my problem, but also do something about it; as now in contrast to years before, I am not the only one suffering the consequences, but also the people that I love the most in the world, specially my husband and now my son. I know I sound kind of melancholic, but believe me this realization was such a great and timely present for me.

    He takes his time to show me the world!...

I remember this question popping on my head continuously on that day: “So why haven’t you hung any painting in your walls?. Of course the answer sounded so simple, that you would doubt any of its spiritual connotations: “Because I haven’t had time”. Such a common, and sadly overused answer.  But don’t even think for a moment that the Lord was encouraging me to start adding another activity like painting or crafting to my already busy schedule. He was bringing my heart to a place where I could realize that I need, my family needs, more of my time. And by this I mean, time where I am intentional to create an environment that fosters our enjoyment of each other, without regard for artificial formulas or rigorous planning.  This was especially liberating for me as for first time in my life I enter the summer season as a mother. And the only way I can think of to describe how I felt after browsing a magazine to check on summer activities for children is this: “Buried under an avalanche after opening that door-closet.” I know, I probably interpreted this through my prism of “weariness” after a spring season full of baby development classes, Gymborees, mom’s clubs, miles driven, etc. -Now, I don’t want you to think that I am completely against planning activities or sharing with our friends and community. I know that this is a important part of a healthy lifestyle. But as big "hearted" mothers, so easily drawn to enjoy giving of ourselves and continuous interaction with multiple groups of people, we have to learn to draw the line. I was reminded on that day to draw lines, just as you do when you draw a sketch.  I was reminded that the creation of a piece of art requires time.  And these very words were the words mom used many years ago to question me about what kind of painting I was making of my life.  She said:  “Every stroke counts, so you better chose your colors wisely and enjoy the process”.

 Time? What is that Momma? Can I mouth it? =P

So this was my mother’s day gift: I was reminded that the bestest gift I can give to my family and my son is MY TIME. My simple, pure and unadulterated time. No preservatives added. No signing up for any summer programs for us.  Instead, time to look at each other in the eye, be silly, sing out of tune, be spontaneous and enjoy our days and learn together at our leisure. What a great time we had on that art festival. We really didn't buy anything, but I left with the satisfying feeling of having gotten a great deal. I actually did!  I got it for free, and it was so satisfying!

On How Breastfeeding Nursed Me

No, this post is not about how breastfeeding strengthened the wonderful bond between my son and I. That could probably be the subject for another post, even though, I suspect that you all have heard enough about it. Nonetheless I have to take a moment to let you know that I solemnly declared myself a passionate advocate of nursing. Yes the kind that you see nursing in all sorts of places like the back of her car, a restaurant, a class, etc...  And yes, the kind that some look at, like “What in the world..?”...but many others, now more and more look at with such respect and tenderness...After all it’s not in vain that at some point of our nursing journey my husband started calling me “wonder woman”. Yes, that’s true, but the kind that instead of wearing a superhero cape wears a nursing cover! =). 

However, I have to be honest with you and tell you that this “title” didn’t “happen” until later in our breastfeeding experience. Actually starting was not easy. Not easy at all. It was physically painful and required a lot of time and persistence. However, I don’t regret one bit of it and I am very grateful for how much I learned about mothering through sacrifice and how much intimacy I developed with my son, Garrick.  So I wholeheartedly encourage all expectant mothers to nurse if you can! Even if it’s painful at the beginning. There is so much help available! -To name a couple of my favorite sites: Kellymom.com or lalecheleague.com. Don’t be shy to look for it. I promise, I promise, I promise, it gets better with time and you will never regret it! You can do it for a little or long as you want and both your baby and yourself will get so much out of it!

"Daddy also gets to nurse..in his own, unique way.." =)

Ok, with this said, let me get to the heart of how I got nursed thru breastfeeding. I think it would help if I tell you that nursing, for me, has been, on top of everything else, a spiritual experience.  Through it, the Lord has revealed himself to me as “My Ultimate Provider” like never before.  To be honest with you this word “provider” is such a churchy word, and is used so often in religious circles that it’s very often taken for granted. Actually, I think this may happen more often in countries like the U.S where we live. We are so infinitely blessed, that when we thank God for his provision, we are referring for the most part to those things that we could really do without, but we have grown so used to needing:  popularity, a best friend, a nicer car, a better figure, a brighter brain, a better income, etc.  A good way to put it is how Francis Chan said in his book, “Forgotten God”, which I highly recommend:  “We hardly ever find ourselves in situations where we really, really need God’s provision because we live such safe and insured lives!”  If you’re not  part of the small segment of the population that have gone through a very critical health situation or life crisis, to whom my heart goes out, when was the last time that you asked God to provide a place for you to sleep that night or a meal to eat? I am part of that small group of people in the world that can’t remember to have ever done it. Believe me it’s not a memory loss problem. It has never happen. What a blessing! However, in some instances, what a curse! I know, I know, that’s a strong word.  By now you’re probably turning skeptical about these write up. But just let me explain briefly what I mean. I am not against being fiscally responsible, looking after our family welfare and wanting the best for ourselves and beloved ones. But when these wants set us in a path that make us put all these things as the top priority of our lives, and therefore our time, money, and mental and emotional energy and even our prayers are mostly devoted to it, then I think we can miss the greater blessings that are only possible after knowing God as our truly provider, and not ourselves. And I think that not knowing God as He wants us to know Him is a curse. After all His word says that Eternal life is all about that, about getting to know Him.

"He nurses me with lessons on the masculine, adventurous side of life"

Ok, now let me tell you how I got from nursing to lifestyle comparisons. Throughout my nursing experience I remembered an old lesson on the meaning of God’s name:  “El Shaddai “. For those of you who don’t know, the first word “El” is indicative of the greatness of God’s power. And the second word “Shaddai” is derived from a word that means “breast”, which implies “one who nourishes, supplies and satisfies.”  So God wants and intends to provide abundantly and most satisfactorily to us and He is the only one who has the power to do just that.  It wasn’t until I went through the experience of nursing my baby that I was able to understand how He wants to provide the very best for me, and just what I truly need, in the same way my breast milk is the best food I can provide for my baby and the one that is the most satisfying for him. Every time that Garrick cried, and I knew he just needed me to feed him, I was delighted to be able to respond to his need. (Of course, the delight didn’t really start until he was able to sleep thru the night), But I knew that his need of me was a life sustaining matter. And every time that I have been able to respond to his need,  his delighted face while nursing was such a clear picture of “how” much God desires me to need Him, and how much power he has to truly satiate my true needs. Furthermore, even the first month of suffering while I was getting started, those first weeks so full of sleep deprivation and physical pain and exhaustion when I didn’t even have energy to face the world were also very revealing on how God gave Himself to provide salvation for me.  So that is the spiritual truth he nursed my spirit with. That’s how He nursed me while I breastfed Garrick, or better I should say that’s how He revealed His ongoing nursing me. Because, in contrast to what we mothers, sooner or later do, He never weans me. El Shaddai never weans us!

So I leave you with these questions that I asked myself after considering what I just shared with you: Do you really need God? Would taken God out of the picture of your life make a real, noticeable difference? Could others notice if He weren’t part of your life? Are you relying on Him or yourself to satisfy your needs? When was the last time that you examined what you normally crave for and how does that align with what the Lord wants you to?

Believe me I wasn’t totally happy with my answers. But thanks God for his transforming, ever faithful and empowering grace!

My Unique Role

Believe it or not, here I am again. Five months later! I guess it’s been very loud in this house! I thought being able to drop the last feeding and getting Garrick to sleep thru the night was the high point of the slope to start going “back down” to our normal lives. WRONG! =o

Well, I know that I sound sarcastic, but the truth is that I have been supremely busy trying to enjoy Garrick’s everyday which makes me infinitely happy.  By the same token, I have been pouring enormous amounts of time on “learning to be a mother”, which continuously takes me different routes. From trying to stay focus on my life source -God, to focusing on strengthening my marriage, to investing time and life on relationships with other moms and families,-And actually all sorts of people, to reading, to participating in different moms groups, to allowing myself a bit of intuition and spontaneity, AND making mistakes etc, this is a time consuming endeavor, but believe me, most pleasurable and rewarding.

Did you know babies like to make burritos of themselves? =)

Among the multitude of my mothering lessons, I have discovered that being a mother has to do with WHO you are and continuously become, and not with WHAT YOU DO.  I know this sounds like a cliché, but for me has been so liberating! You see, I often joke about how the Hospital let us take Garrick home after delivery in spite of our inexperience with children. –Both my husband and are part of the group of weirdoes whom first diaper change was actually done right after our first child was born. =) On top of that, we both come from challenging upbringings, so we didn’t get  the richness of any healthy parenting modeling, thus our cluelessness about this subject.  However, these first 8 month immersion experience into mothering has helped me understand that though I value greatly all I’m learning from other sources and will continue openly embracing as much as I can from every opportunity, I am not learning to be a mother, but I am living and growing into the UNIQUE MOTHER that I am called to be.  

Knowing that the Lord called me to be Dave’s wife and Garrick’s mother, and that He wants me to be so in the middle of our unique family complexities and idiosyncrasies, and that there’s no one else in the world but me that can fulfill this calling, is both humbling and encouraging! That probably means that I will have to make some mistakes, go through some valleys, hopefully celebrate a bunch of specific victories and most importantly allow God to mold me in such a way that I can be the right fit for this family. What and awesome thought and how much relief! I love my new calling!...No going back, no going back! Let the loudness continue!

The Smell of Quiet

Thursday, November 18, 2010

 

Oh the smell of quiet! I guess I am starting to understand my fellow mother’s appreciation of this smell. It’s not even 9p and I can’t believe that I am finally here. I am finally journaling.the mobile stopped revolving and I know my 3 month old Garrick Jeremiah is sleeping ...happily dreaming about his next and last feeding of the day in about an hour. The house is deliciously quiet and there’s not little devil on top of my shoulder trying to snatch me away from the computer using the guilt trip of any undone house-shore. Everything I had to do today has been done. I mean I did it. And please don’t interpret that as full dose of boasting about myself.. allow me to enjoy my accomplishment.

See, a couple of months ago, sitting in front of the computer for the luxury of journaling was an ambitious dream that my hyper-busy days as a breastfeeding-don’t have a clue about babies- first time mom would not allow.  I guess I don’t have much to say today, but just share the joy of this little breakthrough.  

I guess re- discovering this new smell is one of the many beautiful stops I will make along the journey of motherhood. How sweet. It really feels like stopping on the side of the road to smell the roses.  It’s invigorating. I know my to do list still has many items to tackle, and some are ever-going. But the smell of quiet after knowing that today’s share of time and energy was invested properly at home is really priceless.  Thank you Lord for today’s bread..for today’s time, for today’s sweet smell. Amen.